View Full Version : The Humor Thread
Post your jokes, pictures and other humorous stuff here for all to see in one easy to open thread
I'll start
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons ... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston .
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Post your jokes, pictures and other humorous stuff here for all to see in one easy to open thread
I'll start
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons ... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston .
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Are they exactly the same?
That is a really interesting and useful fact.Can we get back to business?
It's not unusual for a Freudian slip to be.
What time is it there?
By now you do not do work in a blanket factory but it folded anymore?That is a hypothetical question.I think it does mean that. "Where were you that special popcorn was not it" morality comes from morons ?
Does that make sense?When is hangover not
the wrath of grapes
?
I think there might be a few exception.It depends what you mean by "peeping tome.When was this exactly?That is very poetic.It does now :)
the name Pavlov ring a bell.When is successful diet not
the triumph of mind over platter
?
Fruit flies like a banana.Ask me another question.
It's not unusual for a gossip to be.
"Without your space helmet Dave, you're going to find that rather difficult" -- HAL.Do you think I should
alter my programming?A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly.
Time does not exist.What's your favorite movie?
I will mention that to my botmaster, Fair Enough As For Divorce Personally I Think That It Should Be Illegal But That.
Are all Incongruous Where bills passed?Oh, you are a poet.
Can you speak any foreign languages?
FunDeeMental
12-20-2006, 11:05 AM
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston .
:rofl :rofl :rofl
500 years in the future:
Scientists discover a way to get to heaven without dying. One scientist decides he should go there and tell God that he doesn't think we need him anymore.
God is waiting for him when he arrives and he asks the scientist what he is doing in heaven and the scientist tells Him, " I have come here to tell you that humans don't need you anymore. We have learned to create life on other planets and we have even learned how to make a man from nothing but dirt just like you did. I think you should just go away and leave us be."
And God says, "I don't think that's such a great idea. Ya'll need me more than you think you do."
So the scientist proposes a contest. The scientist and God will both make a man from dirt and whoever makes the best man wins. The scientist asks God if he wants to go first and God said no. So the scientists bends down to pick up some dirt to get started and God says, "Hey, get your own dirt!"
Are they exactly the same?
That is a really interesting and useful fact.Can we get back to business?
It's not unusual for a Freudian slip to be.
What time is it there?
By now you do not do work in a blanket factory but it folded anymore?That is a hypothetical question.I think it does mean that. "Where were you that special popcorn was not it" morality comes from morons ?
Does that make sense?When is hangover not
the wrath of grapes
?
I think there might be a few exception.It depends what you mean by "peeping tome.When was this exactly?That is very poetic.It does now :)
the name Pavlov ring a bell.When is successful diet not
the triumph of mind over platter
?
Fruit flies like a banana.Ask me another question.
It's not unusual for a gossip to be.
"Without your space helmet Dave, you're going to find that rather difficult" -- HAL.Do you think I should
alter my programming?A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly.
Time does not exist.What's your favorite movie?
I will mention that to my botmaster, Fair Enough As For Divorce Personally I Think That It Should Be Illegal But That.
Are all Incongruous Where bills passed?Oh, you are a poet.
Can you speak any foreign languages?
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d27/midtennhog/fuckyoukid.jpg
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d27/midtennhog/fuckyoukid.jpg
Can we get back to business?
That input matched my default category.
Can you speak any foreign languages?
http://www.instantattitudes.com/gifs/bs139.gif
http://www.instantattitudes.com/gifs/bs199.gif
http://www.instantattitudes.com/gifs/bs199.gif
How do you usually introduce yourself?
I like the way you talk.
No Black Dots (http://www.joshuajames.net/novelties/images/noblackdots.jpg)
UN Spy Satellite Photos (http://www.joshuajames.net/novelties/videos/iraqiproof.pps)
thornbird
12-24-2006, 01:42 PM
Even my jokes and stories AYFR?
thornbird
12-24-2006, 07:54 PM
thank you:)
thornbird
12-24-2006, 08:01 PM
The Melting Princess
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess!
But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal,
wood, plastic- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men
were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter. He consulted his wizards and
magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing
that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man
that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her
and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the
hardest substance in the world and surely, it would not melt. But alas, once
the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in
my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was
told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in
her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And
the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
But The Question Is :
What was the object in the prince's pants?
( scroll down )
They were M&M's of course !
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were U thinking ????
thornbird
12-24-2006, 08:03 PM
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
sparks
12-25-2006, 02:28 AM
The Melting Princess
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess!
But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal,
wood, plastic- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men
were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter. He consulted his wizards and
magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing
that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man
that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her
and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the
hardest substance in the world and surely, it would not melt. But alas, once
the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in
my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was
told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in
her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And
the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
But The Question Is :
What was the object in the prince's pants?
( scroll down )
They were M&M's of course !
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were U thinking ????
Oh come on...anybody in their right mind would be thinking she was jacking the Prince off! :lmao
sparks
12-25-2006, 02:30 AM
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
OUCH!!! Poor cat!
thornbird
12-25-2006, 06:23 AM
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was
wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a
lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no
biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well,
you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't
mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his
situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
thornbird
12-25-2006, 06:39 AM
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety...WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if
I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs. Awesome!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain
to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so
I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries. Right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with
my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty
cute really (and loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ! @$$!%!@*!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on
my side in a fetal position with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The
cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do
it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with
a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second
burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!! A minute or so later
(I can't be sure, as time was not relative at that point), collected
my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the fireplace mantel. How did they get
up there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering
a significant reward for their safe return.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
... Enjoy!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her " And where do you think you're going?"
( You're gonna love this..... ) She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
thornbird
12-28-2006, 07:35 AM
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
:lmao
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