Sexless marriages

[sparks]

DEAR MARGO: I have been married for 31 years to a good woman with whom I have three children, one remaining at home. My wife and I have had sex three or four times in the past 15 years. This has worked a hardship on me such as I cannot describe. Divorce is not an option, and attempts to resolve this matter through therapy have backfired. One therapist told my wife I was a narcissist, and another told her I was "selfish." I have not been retributive in these matters. I do not harangue her or argue. But this situation is intolerable and becomes more a source of sorrow with each passing day. I cannot speak with her anymore about this because she deflects my queries, saying she does not want to have sex while we have a teenager in the house, which is an excuse, of course. She is healthy; this is not hormonal. I am at the point where I have lost all desire for the woman. Fifteen years of being ignored will do that to you. Suggestions?

--- INVOLUNTARY CELIBATE

DEAR IN: If I am prorating this correctly, you and your wife have had sex once every 5.3 years. (The last event may have produced the teenager, for all I know.) There is definitely something going on with her that I am unable to know. I do know this: She has chosen rotten therapists who think that a man is either narcissistic or selfish to want to have sexual relations with his spouse at more frequent intervals than what you describe.

The fact that there's a kid in the house is a red herring. Either there's something you're leaving out, or your wife doesn't like sex or doesn't like you. I do not know why divorce is not an option, but if you say it isn't, it isn't. Yours sounds to me like a soul-killing marriage, and I wish you some happiness, and maybe a ladyfriend. I seldom recommend looking for companionship outside the marriage, but hardly ever have I gotten a letter like yours.


--- MARGO, DARINGLY

Sourc (http://news.yahoo.com/s/dear_margo/20080110/en_dm/margo_howard20080110;_ylt=AshuCCHpS7nFSGdhQC5iJh8D W7oF)

This sounds like a case of one's religion holding them hostage. But if that's the case a ladyfriend on the side wouldn't work for the guy either.

This is so sad.

[Viki]

Actually, I don't this situation is all that uncommon... sad, but I "hear" that up to 25% of marriages are basically sexless. I couldn't handle it, unless of course there was a medical reason - then I hope I could.

[sparks]

Actually, I don't this situation is all that uncommon... sad, but I "hear" that up to 25% of marriages are basically sexless. I couldn't handle it, unless of course there was a medical reason - then I hope I could.

I've read that if a couple has sex 10 or less times per year they are considered to be in a sexless marriage.

Also as far as a medical problem...in the state of Tennessee impotence is grounds for divorce. I would think that legally, this man in Margo's column would have legal grounds for divorce as well given the fact that she is withholding sex for extended periods of time like she is...it really is sad.

[Viki]

I've read that if a couple has sex 10 or less times per year they are considered to be in a sexless marriage.



Really, then that would mean I WAS in a sexless marriage for quite a few years. But we call that lesbian bed death. Apparently that penis really makes a difference :hotdog

[GreenEyedLady]

This sounds like a case of one's religion holding them hostage. But if that's the case a ladyfriend on the side wouldn't work for the guy either.

This is so sad.

It can't be religion..cause this is what the Bible says about it..

First Corinthians - Chapter 7:3-5

3. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.
4. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
5. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

[sparks]

It can't be religion..cause this is what the Bible says about it..

First Corinthians - Chapter 7:3-5

3. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.
4. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
5. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.


What I meant was...the guy said "divorce is not an option". So by that I assumed that perhaps he was Catholic or something? Perhaps I'm wrong. :shrug

But you're right...the Bible states that sex is a big deal in marriage.

I really don't understand why the wife would be so cold. I feel sorry for the guy!

[GreenEyedLady]

What I meant was...the guy said "divorce is not an option". So by that I assumed that perhaps he was Catholic or something? Perhaps I'm wrong. :shrug

But you're right...the Bible states that sex is a big deal in marriage.

I really don't understand why the wife would be so cold. I feel sorry for the guy!

Maybe it's religion for him not wanting to divorce and it's just plain sexual hangups for her?

It's really too bad there isn't some kind of test to take to make sure you get with someone with the same type of sexual desires that you have. To be stuck with someone that is not sexually compatible to you is the pits.

[sparks]

Maybe it's religion for him not wanting to divorce and it's just plain sexual hangups for her?

It's really too bad there isn't some kind of test to take to make sure you get with someone with the same type of sexual desires that you have. To be stuck with someone that is not sexually compatible to you is the pits.

It's called trying it before buying it. :rofl

However, sometimes things happen during the marriage that weren't present from the start, so even that's no guarentee of a gratifying sex life. Medical issues can crop up and I think a lot of couples just take each other for granted after being married for a long time. They can grow apart.

[GreenEyedLady]

It's called trying it before buying it. :rofl

However, sometimes things happen during the marriage that weren't present from the start, so even that's no guarentee of a gratifying sex life. Medical issues can crop up and I think a lot of couples just take each other for granted after being married for a long time. They can grow apart.
Yeah..like for 5 years or so...LOL

I understand medical issues, but when there isn't it just isn't fair to the other person. Not fair at all.

[sparks]

Yeah..like for 5 years or so...LOL

I understand medical issues, but when there isn't it just isn't fair to the other person. Not fair at all.


Even when medical issues are involved it's not fair. It's being cheated out of a large portion of the relationship. I don't mean to sound heartless, but it is what it is.

[GreenEyedLady]

It is never fair, but at least with medical issues there is a reason. You should never feel that you have to beg for something that is a part of a healthy relationship.

[sparks]

It is never fair, but at least with medical issues there is a reason. You should never feel that you have to beg for something that is a part of a healthy relationship.

True! And the vows were 'through sickness and in health'...

[nixon]

For better and for worse. In sickness and in health. To honor, cherish and obey... To me, those words are heavy!!! Probably why I have yet to tie the knot.

[sparks]

Ok...even getting beyond the sex issue though, there could be true intimacy and closeness without sex. Let's face it...there are sex toys out there that can take care of an orgasm...but they don't provide the intimacy.

It doesn't sound as if this woman was giving her husband any intimacy either.

[sparks]

For better and for worse. In sickness and in health. To honor, cherish and obey... To me, those words are heavy!!! Probably why I have yet to tie the knot.


They are pretty heavy! :yep

[Cookie Parker]

Wow...that's pretty sad....sex is a language of affirmation and appreciation that words can't always provide...it's a union, togetherness and a sameness...acceptance on a level found no where else....

This situation is being in a dead zone..where not only sex organs die, but the soul, as well.....

I think a lady friend is his only option....hers I'm not sure...but a better therapist for her would work..almost sounds as if she knows and is friends with a lot of divorced women..the unhappily, men are assholes divorced women...

[GreenEyedLady]

Wow...that's pretty sad....sex is a language of affirmation and appreciation that words can't always provide...it's a union, togetherness and a sameness...acceptance on a level found no where else....


Very nicely put, Cookie.

[BartonX]

For better and for worse. In sickness and in health. To honor, cherish and obey... To me, those words are heavy!!! Probably why I have yet to tie the knot.

No Dick I think the reason you haven't tied the knot is because the women you date are too smart and too particular :rofl

[GreenEyedLady]

For better and for worse. In sickness and in health. To honor, cherish and obey... To me, those words are heavy!!! Probably why I have yet to tie the knot.

They let you write your own vows now if you wish...so you could do away with those words and come up with whatever your willing to live with. :D

Marriage is a big step and not to be taken lightly. Unfortunately young people are living together without the benefit of marriage and bringing children into this world and when they split..it's the children that suffer. I see a lot of this in my work. I'd like to see people live together for a few years, use birth control so there are no kids involved and then if the relationship works get married and have their kids. Some women have children from three or four different relationships with people they were never married to.

[BartonX]

They let you write your own vows now if you wish...so you could do away with those words and come up with whatever your willing to live with. :D

Marriage is a big step and not to be taken lightly. Unfortunately young people are living together without the benefit of marriage and bringing children into this world and when they split..it's the children that suffer. I see a lot of this in my work. I'd like to see people live together for a few years, use birth control so there are no kids involved and then if the relationship works get married and have their kids. Some women have children from three or four different relationships with people they were never married to.

Sunny,
Do you think Nixon needs to include a disclaimer that just because his ideal mate is blind, deaf, and has a head cold that blocked her sinus's, that they are in love and hurry up with the vowels because she took two Contacts???
Barton

[MW]

Sunny,
Do you think Nixon needs to include a disclaimer that just because his ideal mate is blind, deaf, and has a head cold that blocked her sinus's, that they are in love and hurry up with the vowels because she took two Contacts???
Barton

Which ones are the wedding vowels?

A E I O U?

or sometimes Y?

:rofl

If you want to go off topic and insult another poster, perhaps you should proofread your post first, so at least you look like an educated person who cannot handle an intelligent debate!

:mw

[BartonX]

Which ones are the wedding vowels?

A E I O U?

or sometimes Y?

:rofl

If you want to go off topic and insult another poster, perhaps you should proofread your post first, so at least you look like an educated person who cannot handle an intelligent debate!

:mw

I was hoping someone would catch that, but you went off half cocked and ended up with a half assed assessment.:)

In Europe they would be phonetically (Ah aaa eee oh ooooo) sorry just showing a little scholarly brovado!:rooster

[BartonX]

so at least you look like an educated person who cannot handle an intelligent debate!

Say what???????? :LL

[MW]

Oh puh-lease :roll

Why don't you get your head out of your ass before you post again.

[BartonX]

Oh puh-lease :roll

Why don't you get your head out of your ass before you post again.

Because if I did you'd be in trouble, like a fish floundering on the bottom of the boat. :)

[GreenEyedLady]

Sunny,
Do you think Nixon needs to include a disclaimer that just because his ideal mate is blind, deaf, and has a head cold that blocked her sinus's, that they are in love and hurry up with the vowels because she took two Contacts???
Barton

Barton,

It is a well know fact that bullies pick on people because they are insecure and have feelings of inadequacy. What is about Nixon that threatens your feelings of manhood?

[BartonX]

Barton,

It is a well know fact that bullies pick on people because they are insecure and have feelings of inadequacy. What is about Nixon that threatens your feelings of manhood?

Thank you for asking Sunny, I have given it a lot of thought and to be honest not a damn thing. You see real men know who they are and are convinced they don't have a thing to prove since they prove it with every breath they take and usually women are greateful and find themselves addicted to such men, at least the ones that are willing to spend a little time getting to know them. It is with such men that women are free to become a woman for the first time.

Were you wanting to experience that for yourself? I mean solely in the sake of research to see if I am right or wrong? After all Sunny, when you have everything to gain and nothing to lose.......go for it!

By the way I like Nixon, and when he grows up he is going to make some woman really glad he knew me. :wink

[BartonX]

Which ones are the wedding vowels?

A E I O U?

or sometimes Y?

:rofl

If you want to go off topic and insult another poster, perhaps you should proofread your post first, so at least you look like an educated person who cannot handle an intelligent debate!

:mw

The wedding vowels are: "AAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (as in ready for the moon honey!!!) and IOU for the reception. Those are the wedding vowels.........how come you didn't know that? Too many funerals??? :rooster

[GreenEyedLady]

Thank you for asking Sunny, I have given it a lot of thought and to be honest not a damn thing. You see real men know who they are and are convinced they don't have a thing to prove since they prove it with every breath they take and usually women are greateful and find themselves addicted to such men, at least the ones that are willing to spend a little time getting to know them. It is with such men that women are free to become a woman for the first time.

Were you wanting to experience that for yourself? I mean solely in the sake of research to see if I am right or wrong? After all Sunny, when you have everything to gain and nothing to lose.......go for it!

By the way I like Nixon, and when he grows up he is going to make some woman really glad he knew me. :wink

Barton,

I agree that real men don’t have to prove anything and they don’t go around trying to convince people of it either. Which I see the need you have to try to convince everyone you are a real man. I refuse to become involved with a braggart…I know from experience they over rate themselves.

The statement that I have everything to gain and nothing to lose is really incorrect. I would lose my self respect. Which is something that is very valuable to me.

[waterdog]

Barton,

I agree that real men don’t have to prove anything and they don’t go around trying to convince people of it either. Which I see the need you have to try to convince everyone you are a real man. I refuse to become involved with a braggart…I know from experience they over rate themselves.

The statement that I have everything to gain and nothing to lose is really incorrect. I would lose my self respect. Which is something that is very valuable to me.

Damn, does she ever have your number. :lmao :LL

[cassandra]

It really is so sad that so many people are in sexless marriages. I cannot imagine. The woman needs to go to some sort of therapy.

[MW]

You've got to admire the guy for standing by his wedding vows. If it was just that she had a problem with sex, that could be worked through - but like y'all said, it sounds like there's no affection. I could live without the sex (if I had to) but not the closeness.

Also wonder if the woman has one on the side (male OR female) but also doesn't believe in divorce . . . could explain a lot too!