What do you do when it is time to admit defeat?

[The Q]

I'm not talking about TPA. :lmao

Seriously. This is a real life issue I'm dealing with.

I've been working on something for awhile--seven months. I've run out of resources, and it is time for me to call it quits. I can honestly say that I've given it my best shot, but I haven't succeeded in any way. The time has come for me to chalk it up and turn my energy elsewhere.

I am still dealing with a lot of frustration and low self-esteem, as well as just feeling abandoned by God. I have prayed hard, but with no results. Which is different from past things I've done. I've always felt a sort of direction from a higher power when making big decisions or doing things in my life, whether it be marriage, having children, looking for work, starting a project, whatever.

I'm pretty tenacious, and it is rare that I don't manage to achieve what I set out to. So this is very hard for me to deal with on a lot of levels.

So. How can I pick up the pieces and go on without jeopardizing my next venture? How can I muster up enthusiasm for a totally different goal when I've put so much of my time and energy into one that didn't work out?

Is God telling me that I have another purpose and I'm not being open to it?

Am I just not being humble enough to recognize that what I was trying to do is out of my reach to begin with?

I'm having a little mini-crisis of sorts. No, not even a crisis. The emotional aspect has played itself out. I've spent a lot of time crying over this, and being angry and feeling frustrated. Right now I feel empty and sort of lost.

I'd love to hear about others' experiences like this---and how to learn to value defeat, rather than let it drag you down.

ADQ

[Saguaro]

Perhaps it is not the right time.Perhaps in another 5 yrs you can try again.Things happen for reasons unknown, until many years down the road.

[sparks]

In any situation there is something to be learned. Even in defeat...or perhaps I should say especially in defeat.

I always try to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from a given situation...whether the situation be good or bad there's always something to be gleaned. But sometimes it's hard to see when traveling through the muck.

Hang in there Q...one day it will all be clear. :heart

[Zanoog]

Am I just not being humble enough to recognize that what I was trying to do is out of my reach to begin with?

Not out of reach - how could that be? It just wasn't the right thing for you.

Keep listening to your instincts - the right thing will come about.

I had a similar event a couple of years ago, and finally realized the message - the corporate world was bad for my psyche. Then, I found my 'calling' when I was working on something, and realized that I was smiling and happy, every time my focus was on this thing.

That thing - is my future. I am still 'dreaming' it into existence, and it's coming, and it's going to be wonderful.

You'll have that feeling too when you are on the right track. Keep going forward - yesterday is a cancelled check, you can't do anything about it.

[kaaryn]

How does that quote go? When God closes a door, He opens a window?

It's not necessarily a defeat when something doesn't work out. It sure feels that way at the time, though. :hug Maybe it's just time for you to move on.

Lately I've been totally at a loss as to the right direction for us and our house - things come up, it looks good, then it falls flat again, we're coming up on our deadline of July 31 and still don't have an offer on the table, we're under a financial crunch, and then there are these other scenarios that pop up out of nowhere just to confuse the matter further. And no sense of direction or guidance at all. Which makes me wonder if we should be selling it at all? :shrug It's tough when you get to that place where you feel like you're rattling the doors of heaven but no one's listening... but I know that God always is listening. I just can't always understand His answer, whether it's because I'm not paying attention, or if it's because I just won't stop talking long enough to hear it.

[issac the dragon]

Q, I think the hardest thing in the world to do is to quit. When circumstances don't force you to. It feels so bad. And we are confused, uncertain, thinking maybe if I tried one more time.

Like death, defeat and failure must be accepted as part of life. And I assure you I don't mean you are a failure. Just that the venture, whatever it is, was.

Go on with the rest of your life. I guarantee, there is no virtue in going down with a sinking ship. I hope for you happiness.

[quiet man]

some times you have to go with your gut feeling. god probably is having little to do with it right now . it's in your hands now. so pull on those boots and get after it. :drevil :tequila

[Zanoog]

Life is like a box of chocolates....:rofl :rofl

[Cookie Parker]

So. How can I pick up the pieces and go on without jeopardizing my next venture? How can I muster up enthusiasm for a totally different goal when I've put so much of my time and energy into one that didn't work out?

Is God telling me that I have another purpose and I'm not being open to it?

Am I just not being humble enough to recognize that what I was trying to do is out of my reach to begin with?

I'm having a little mini-crisis of sorts. No, not even a crisis. The emotional aspect has played itself out. I've spent a lot of time crying over this, and being angry and feeling frustrated. Right now I feel empty and sort of lost.

I'd love to hear about others' experiences like this---and how to learn to value defeat, rather than let it drag you down.


I'm Buddhist, so the God issues are not what I can offer any advice on, and I'll warn you, my advice isn't worth a hill of beans.

However, you seem to put a lot of pressure upon yourself to be capable of accomplishing anything. I don't find that realistic. You are to be commended for taking on a challenge of something new, obviously, and desiring success with your 7 month effort. However, we are all limited in what we can do...what separates us is that many never try to do something new.

I think you don't need to look upon what you did not accomplish from your goals as a defeat. I think you can focus on a contemplation of what areas were you involved in with which you may not have had a good background...did you really want to succeed in this or did it become the "principle of the thing"....what were your strengths in the project (what did you see yourself accomplish) and what were your weaknesses?

I think maybe you are putting too much of your success or failure in life on this...you need to put it into perspective...are you a good person? Do you always try to do your best? do your deliberately hurt people? Have you killed anyone? LOL!!1 You know...give this project a rating of "Of all things important in my life, the success or failure of this project is probably...." and then give it a number I like to use all the time like 4,792...LOL!!!

We all fail.....like i said, chalk this one up to the fact you tried...and when the dust settles and you realize failure is not a negative reflection of your nor your spiritual belief, you'll move on to the next project wiser....

What'd I tell you...hill of beans...I just LOVE giving advice, though..LOL!!!

[April15]

I'm atheist, so the God issues are not what I can offer any advice on. But success comes from failures. Anyone who has no failures never really tried anything new or different. Just to get proficient at walking as a baby you must fall down a few times.

[kaaryn]

:yep

[Deadshot]

Alright, I'm going to go all "super-geek" on you. There's a Star Trek movie where this dude, Spock's brother, can take away your pain and allow you to make peace with it. This dude gives his gift to everyone but Kirk stops him. Kirk declares that he needs his pain so as to be the person he is.

So that's my question to you Q, are you happy with who you are? If so this is just another experience that will define you. If not then this is an experience that will, hopefully, cause you to change to make your life happy.

Happy isn't about :money or :sex or, even, :heart it's about being pleased with where you are. You can want and strive for more money, sex or love but are you in a good place when you start that journey, that's the question.

Q, everyone get's defeated now and then, even Jesus was told he wasn't going to get his way when he asked to pass on the cup. The question is are you a happy enough person to walk away from this and move forward, or does this push you to change and become a happier person?

[Sweet Tart]

Having experienced something similar, I can only say that maybe its time to really enjoy that you don't necessarily HAVE to be doing anything right now, and that its ok to flail about until the path becomes clear again.

[The Q]

You know, coincidentally I started reading a book a couple days ago written by a Buddhist---talking about conquering the fear in your life.

This book has hit home with me, because standing back and looking at my motivations, it is shocking how much of my life has been a reaction to fear.

When I analyze why I am fealing defeated, it has more to do with me being afraid of not being worth anything, or of what other people think of me, than it does with the actual affects that it has on my life and family.

ADQ

[April15]

You know, coincidentally I started reading a book a couple days ago written by a Buddhist---talking about conquering the fear in your life.

This book has hit home with me, because standing back and looking at my motivations, it is shocking how much of my life has been a reaction to fear.

When I analyze why I am fealing defeated, it has more to do with me being afraid of not being worth anything, or of what other people think of me, than it does with the actual affects that it has on my life and family.

ADQ

Growing is great isn't it?

[The Q]

Growing is great isn't it?

Yeah, man. Painful, but great. :lol

ADQ

[cassandra]

Q if you are a really driven person admitting any sort of defeat can be a very difficult thing. I may know a little something about that. :wink

As far as your prayers to God. You may be getting answers that you are not yet ready to hear. Fasting always work for me to be a better listener. Do not give up on God just because He is not obeying you and your timetable.

[patriotsblade]

Sit down and make a list of all that you learned while undertaking your task. If you can do that it will turn your pereived failure into a victory.

[Sal Monella]

It's ok not to be perfect and fail. We are human afterall.

It's what you do with that "failure" that counts.

[toxic]

A few thoughts:

Many of us suffer from "Selective Memory". We always remember the prior task as being easier than it really was. So we plan for the next job to be easy and are surprised that we have to work hard to do it. In fact, it seems like we have to work harder.

Also, no matter how easy things come, eventually we discover that we have some limits. Often, they are realization that we are not going to ruin our family life for a lousy dollar. Sometimes they are other responsibilities we can't avoid. Don't forget, between the ages of 25 and 65-75 you drop about 15 IQ points, but you gain valuable experience in that time.

The more successful you are, the more competition is around. As you get older, fewer people are willing to help and more are hoping to see you fail.

And Finally, sometimes you have to work with an A-hole or make a sale to one. Someone who just wants to mess with you. You can only ignore it and go on.